I have had one of the least artistically productive weeks of my entire life. For whatever reason, I’ve been sluggish and sloth-like. Which truly isn’t me. I mentioned a few posts ago about developing affirmations; I almost wonder if this isn’t my body’s way of rebelling against positive thinking. I am completely devoid of energy or enthusiasm. It’s as though all those extraneous thoughts that filled my head have given way to…

Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. If this is the inner peace that meditation offers, let me just tell you it is highly over-rated.

Don’t get me wrong, I have never been one of those folks who believed that suffering makes great art. I’ve always believed that Van Gogh and Mozart would have created even more majestic and timeless pieces had they not been so damn preoccupied with their demons (internally and externally, respectively).

That said, I’ve begun three different blog posts in the past week only to watch them languish as drafts on my dashboard. I’ve never felt so uninspired. Even making lists isn’t helping me get shit done. I know what I need to do and I’ve been doing the bare minimum (i.e. only the stuff that puts dollars in my bank account). So, I’m peeved.

Hence, I am picking up on a blog post theme from my notebook I recorded some time ago. Why not bring it to the fore now and write about my pet peeves. I have many, but these are the ones I’m gonna rattle off the top of my head.

• Shrimp served with tails on them.I seriously have issues with having to touch my food when it’s not necessary. Don’t get me wrong: I love Ethiopian and BBQ ribs as much as the next person, but if I order shrimp cacciatore, why on earth would I need the tails on them?! As if I don’t know that the chef touched the rest of the shrimp?!? I know the kitchen touched my food, so why leave on a tail? This bothers me to no end. Exception may be made for a shrimp cocktail, when the tail allows for touching my food when touching my food is expected (if you eat a shrimp cocktail with a fork, you’re next up on my Pet Peeve list!). Oh, and while we’re at it, can we just not serve lemon slices overloaded with seeds?

• Too loud music.This is most irksome at a restaurant/watering hole. I love background music, but it should be in the background. If I didn’t want to talk to my date, I would have stayed at home. With my ex-husband. And why blow out my eardrums with concert venues that produce way too much sound for the space. And nobody wants to hear what is coming out of your iPod!!! If we can hear it, you’re going deaf. Which may be why the concert hall is boosting the sound to the point that my hair is blowing back from my face.

• Tourists who are oblivious.God bless tourists. I love going to other cities and behaving stupidly (“Oh, look! It’s a squirrel in a Beijing park! Quick, take a picture. OF. THE. SQUIRREL.”), but I believe tourists who don’t follow basic rules should be corralled and dumped into the nearest landfill. For example, if the “walk” sign is on, please cross the street. Do not stand there snapping photos. And if you are gonna gawk, please do it single file. I’ve got my commuter feet on and your five-abreast is blocking my sidewalk!

• Posting to anywhere anything you haven’t first confirmed is actually true.Urban legends were really fun. Remember those? Nope, you probably don’t. Because they are so 1970!! Nowadays, the urban legend has gone viral, and there’s simply no excuse for it. Fact check! There is absolutely no excuse for posting that someone’s cat needs to receive the maximum number of postcards before it succumbs to feline leukemia, when—in fact—Mr. Puss-Puss is in full remission. Since 2008. Bill Gates is not going to send you money for beta testing something (hint: he no longer works for Microsoft). Same goes for [insert politician you hate most here] doing something so unbelievable that any rational human being would stop and question whether or not it is true. Repeat after me: Google is our friend. Please don’t forward, post or otherwise disseminate this bullshit. Just stop. Now.

• Two heads are not better than one.Do you want to know why a man invented the screwdriver? Because one kind of screw wasn’t good enough! No, seriously, this is a male thing. Because males are obsessed with their, you know, thing! I don’t care that some phalluses (phalli?) have different looking heads than others, because in that circumstance they both fit! There is nothing more disheartening than pulling out a good ole Phillips only to figure out that I need a straight edge. And while I can find arguments for using either, I cannot think of even one reason to have both.

• Combovers.Speaking of males… What is it about men and their hair? I get it: All things being equal, a full head of hair is more attractive than a bald pate. However, this is the same as all things being equal, taller is better. It won’t make up for being a decent human being. Or having a good sense of humor. And whenever I see a completely bald guy, I usually look twice (all things being equal, he is in good shape and attractive to begin with). Bald guys are hot as hell. Combovers are stupid. And they make a guy look stupid. And insecure. And stupid!

Okay, for my final pet peeve, I’ll just say I’ve had to retype this four times because WordPress isn’t holding my format. So, quirky computer stuff that doesn’t make me want to write more. It makes me want to crawl back into my bed and do nothing. Nothing at all.