Okay, so I know it’s practically a rite of passage for each generation to adopt fashion sense that bugs the shit out of the generation that it supplants, but today’s fashion trends are mind boggling. Truly.
As I see it, there are three reasons to make a fashion choice:
- It’s comfortable;
- It looks good (or makes you look good);
- It’s comfortable and makes you look good.
That’s it. If your fashion choice doesn’t fit into one of the above, I’m pretty sure you’re out of your fucking mind. Not to mention unattractive and, possibly, really uncomfortable.
Start with fashion choice number one. Girls today do what my peers and I never would do when we were young: They wear bras under their tank tops with the strap showing. This totally looks stupid. No girl looks cute or sexy with a bra strap jutting out under her spaghetti strap. Even those clear bra straps are utterly obvious. When I was a teen, every girl had a strapless bra for just such outfits. The problem was that strapless bras were—and still are—horribly uncomfortable (not to mention prone to wardrobe malfunction). While I think the visible bra straps are awful to look at, I get why girls choose this fashion: it’s damn comfortable. Pass.
Maintenant le nombre deux. Consider the high heel. High heels hurt like hell. They’re Satan’s contribution to women’s fashion. I’m not being hyperbolic here. Satan—Lord of Pain and Temptation—invented the high heel so that women could appear really fucking sexy while cutting off the circulation to their toes. I get high heels. They make any gal’s gams look good. And on that rare occasion when I’ve found a comfortable pair (usually in boot form), I’ve embraced the longitude. We’ll give high heels a pass (along with girdles; those get a pass under #2 as well).
Finally we get to the rarest of the rare: Fashion that both looks good and feels great. To be honest, the only thing I can think of here is American Apparel T-shirts. They are super comfy and make even the curviest (perhaps especially the curviest) of ladies look sleek. And I would say a nice suit for men. All men look great in a suit, and if it’s a good cut, they’re comfortable. Just don’t put too much starch in your shirt collar (and with many companies being dressed-down, men can probably forgo the tie). Score for numero tres!
Which brings me to my point (yes, it took awhile), which is fashion that doesn’t fit into any of the above categories. I have one for each gender: Short skirts/shirts for girls and pants on the ground for boys. I see these girls tugging at their bottoms to cover their asses and pulling at their tops to cover that obscene roll of flesh that no one wants to witness. What happened to the nice black mini-dress? Sleek, sexy, and not gross!
And don’t even get me started on belts around your thighs with your boxers/butt crack hanging out. These idiots (for idiots they must be), walk around with one hand at their balls holding onto the front of their jeans and the other hand at the base of their butt trying to keep their droopy drawers from falling to the ground. Not only are these displays heinous, they are totally uncomfortable. It’s so obvious.
So a word of advice from a sage (read: old) individual: Wear clothes that fit at the body point where they’re meant to go. You can thank me later.
Except for the woman with totally ripped abs who was baring far too much flesh. You earned it, baby. Flaunt it if you’ve got it. I thank you.